No Sorrow. No Pain.

 

It was All Saints' Day on Sunday.  I was sitting in Sunday Service at church, enjoying the view of the packed pews from the balcony.   We had been running a few minutes behind schedule because the parking lot was PACKED.  We ended up parking just down the street and running into church.  We couldn’t snag our usual seat in the front (because if we did that, over a hundred people would know we were late, instead of just the two dozen folks in the balcony).  I was just happy to be there, surrounded by our church family.  I kind of liked the different view.

There were candles lit in memory of those from our church family who passed on to Heaven, this year.  We took a moment of quiet reflection where I of course thought of my high school classmate and friend, Amy.  I prayed for her fiancé and her family, and decided to just shut off my feelings for a minute so I didn’t start tearing up. 

That plan didn’t work.  I read the list of the baptized and started thinking of my friend Heidi, whose children were just baptized right here in our church.  Heidi’s fiancé passed away this year also.

Ugh, I hate when I can’t stop feeling things.  Usually I have better control, but this one was out of my hands.

Before I knew it we were singing the same song we sang at Amy’s Funeral, “In Christ Alone”.

Just like at Amy’s funeral, the tears just poured and poured.  My husband reached over and put his arm around me, just like he did when we sang for Amy.

Sometimes doing real life is just.so.hard.  I wished I had just stayed home and listened to the service on the radio.  At least then I wouldn’t be ugly-crying in front of people.

Trying to cheer me up, he points down to the pews where we see a grandma holding her granddaughter.  The grandma is singing to her and swaying to the music.  The granddaughter is all smiles, full of JOY.

Then we sang this

 “From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.”

I look again at the grandma and her grandbaby.

 YES, God. Now I know why the parking lot was full and the pews packed.  All but these two front rows of the center balcony were just waiting for us.  You knew as I tried to sing that song, how deeply I would need to see the little babies; the older crowd adorned with gray and white hairs, and everyone in between.  .

I remember how these next lyrics impacted me back in February and I’ve thought of them often ever since:

“No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.”

 

Later in the service the choir sang the most beautiful version of “I Will Rise” that I have ever heard.

All day I kept thinking of those lyrics too:

“And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise”

 

No sorrow.  No Pain.  Yes.

We can find our perfect resting place with God.  And once we’re committed, no one can pluck us from His hand.

Okay it is now 1 am, which is really like 2 am because of the time change.  I’m going to finish processing these thoughts in bed as I drift off to sleep, I just wanted to get some of it out there because that's how I operate.  ♥

God Makes The Rain: Toddler Evangelism

 

Last night after my Author and Blogger Meet & Greet, we were visiting the Boy Scout's Snack Shack up at the courthouse square.  This is a part of our town's yearly celebration. 

We've never made it to this event in the past, which totally has to change because their taco burger was amazzzzzing.

 

There had been short spells of rain off and on, but we chanced it and went anyway.  We happened to be standing right by the big white food tent when along came another little down pour.  We all huddled under the tent and within a few minutes it was over. 

 

A woman was standing next to us talking to my 2 year old.  She asked her something like "What do you think of this rain?" Our Free Spirited Girl confident responded with:

"God makes the rain!"

 

Okay we've known this woman for probably 10 years, AND she goes to our church, but I still got embarrassed about my toddler's outburst of praise.

 

I don't know why.  I should've just been proud of her. Mr. Awesome was.  We talked about it later that night after the kids went to bed and I said I don't know why it made me uncomfortable. I mean the lady right away acknowledge "Yes, God does make the rain", and talked to our little Spunky about what the rain is good for.

 

I think I've just had so many confrontations about religion and feel like I always have to defend my self for being a Christian .  So I have started to pull back some of that evangelism.

 

The day before this happened, we sent a letter off to a neighbor boy who joined the army.  I wanted to include some encouraging verses in the letter about how God goes before us, about being courageous, about being strong. But my pen froze.  Darn it.  I was writing on a postcard and was nervous about who would see it, and what they would think. 

 

Just this morning I was teaching story hour at the church and I asked the kids if anyone wanted to lead us in prayer, thanking God for this day and our time together.  I expected nothing from them and planned to lead the prayer myself.  Instead I got a sweet blond haired girl who spoke assertively, "I would like to pray, please".  She bowed her head and prayed loud, and with such unshakeable confidence.  I don't often even hear adults pray with that sort of strength in their voice.

 

 

I've frequently quoted, or maybe misquoted, the phrase:

 "without my struggle I wouldn't find my strength"

 

This is another one of those times I can step back, examine myself and my struggle,  and learn from my children yet again. 

We have the right to free speech, and the power to spread the Good News.  We are sharing goodness and truth, there is no need to be apprehensive about that, right?

 

The 3 Random Reasons Why We Love Church (And You Should, Too!)

We all have our reasons why we attend church, or don't attend.  Sometimes I struggle hard with not wanting to attend and be fully present there, other times I don't struggle at all, I just get in the van and go.  This is just a random post, folks.  I do have some deep feelings about church, religion and God in general.  And I'd love to have a real life conversation about those things with you, if you ever want to.

  Just please don't get your undies in a bunch over this one, it's just for fun, K? 

 

 

1.  It’s a place to learn Life Focus.  You may think this is weird, but I’m just going to say it anyway:  It’s not a place to bring forth all that you already know and try to impress others with your knowledge of the Bible.  That’s what I THOUGHT church was about, before we started regularly attending.  Unfortunately other Christian friends made me think there was an underlying contest about Bible facts, fashion, and how well you can discipline your children in the pews without making a scene. 

For me, church is much like College was.  It’s a place to learn, take notes, and try to better myself through what I’m being taught.  If we learn more about Jesus, we can learn to BE more like Jesus.  The more we ARE like Jesus, the more focused and better our lives are. 

 

2.  You meet people.  As a Stay-at-Home-Mom who was new to town, I didn’t know anyone.  I mean really, I knew like maybe a handful of adults, but didn’t know them well.  Church was the place for me to get to know people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. 

You might wonder why meeting new people is important.  I’m learning that for me, my quality of life is greatly increased through the connections that I make.  You never know when you’ll be able to help someone out, or when you’ll need their help.  The more connections you have, the bigger your help circle becomes. 

 

3.  It’s FUN.  Yes, it really is.  We have a weekly meal, game nights, potlucks, STOP HUNGER food packing day, and other special events that all really increase the fun factor at church.  The things that I think are really fun though are the little things; the conversations in the halls, the laughs over coffee hour (coffee hour includes cookies… SCORE!), and watching the kids sing.

 

Life Focus- Community- Fun

Watch For God

This was part of my view during worship at church this morning.  I could complain about the mosquitos, but instead I'll rejoice at the sounds, the beauty, and the people that surrounded me. 

My son gave me a bracelet from Vacation Bible School that says "Watch For God".  I've been wearing it often and thought I'd ask YOU, "Where have you seen God working in your life?" Take a moment to quietly reflect and thank Him for what he's doing in and through you. 

Knit, Rock, Repeat.

 

It's VBS week.  I'm sitting in the church nursery's old wooden rocking chair, knitting.  I imagine many women (probably grandmas) before me have done the same and that makes my heart so happy!

 

I wish I knew these women I'm imaging and could learn from them right now in this stage I'm in. 

Thursday Thoughts

What's on my mind?  This.  I get so tired of the religion debate.  Lutheran, Methodists, Baptists from the west side of town, Baptists from the East side, Catholics, etc.  Whatever.  I mean we're all children of God.  And if we were all living like Christians, truly striving to be Christ-like, we'd follow the advice in this verse from Thessalonians.  We'd live life encouraging each other.  We'd get over ourselves for the sake of furthering the kingdom of God.  We wouldn't compare physical churches and judge each others religions.  That just wouldn't even be an issue.  Right? I am not competitive, and refuse to believe church/religion competitions are healthy. Just love people. Help people. Encourage people. That's all.
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up" 1 Thessalonians 5:11

On Serving Communion

 

 

If you didn’t know this yet, we’re front row folks at church.  Well not technically FRONT row, but we do like to be near the action.  This is a lesson we learned from our 7 year old when we asked him why he kept acting out in church.  He explained it was because he couldn’t see anything that was going on.  We moved ahead a half a dozen rows or so.  Problem solved (for the most part, some side effects included, just keep reading).

So last week we’re sitting there near the front and the pastor, who knows I have struggled with desiring to feel used as a Christian, leans down and asked me if I’d like to help serve communion.

3 thoughts ran through my head very quickly:

1.      Um quick, without looking down.. What am I wearing?  Will I look fat or sloppy in this outfit when I stand in front of the congregation? Wait.  That was selfish/vain.  Get your act together, Qt!

 

2.      Who am I to offer communion to these people?!  I ain’t no pastor.  I love Jesus, but is this really my place to serve?

 

3.      Hey I know who I am! I am a child of God, & I have been saved and set free.  THAT gives me the right to share this blessing with others who wish to do communion.  I am called to share this goodness!

 

 

So I accepted.  The whole process was really quick, but so deep.

 

I walked away changed by the experience. 

 

What an amazing opportunity to be on the giving side of the communion line.  I wish everyone in the church would take a turn serving communion.  When they’re ready.

 

I was holding back tears of joy, and sorrow, as I served.  Joy that we can do this to remember Jesus, and joy for all those faces who accepted the gift of communion.  Sometimes it’s really hard to accept gifts, especially a gift as monumental and sacred as this one.  I think we can often be hard on ourselves, and often feel underserving of His abundant Love.

 

I felt sorrow, remembering what Jesus went through for US, thinking of his sacrifice for us.  Thinking in my head, am *I* sacrificing enough in my daily routine for Him?  Am I prioritizing Him, and this church family in my life? 

What more can I be doing?   I don’t think this journey of life is about what you can get out of it, but about what you can put IN to it.

 

You also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 2:5

 

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."   Luke 22:19-20

Sweet Graycie's Baptism Anniversary

Happy 2nd Baptism Anniversary to this little cutie! 2 years ago we dedicated you to the Lord in front of our great big church family. We had no idea that just three days later we'd almost have you taken from us, through an unfortunate series of events following your broken arm. This day reminds me to love you while I can, because even though I say you're mine, you're not. You belong to Him, Our Gracious God, and I am just the lucky one who has gotten to spend my days watching you grow. I love you, Sweet Baby Graycie.

My Friend, Amy.

Amy Elizabeth Hild. September 9th, 1987 - February 25th, 2015

Amy. Elizabeth. Hild. 

I’ve known Amy’s full name for well over 10 years, and I’ve never forgotten it.  She used to doodle it in her math notebook all.the.time.  She’d put fancy designs around her name and play around with different lettering.  She’d occasionally get reprimanded for drawing, rather than looking at the board.  Amy later became a graphic designer.  It was apparent that this was her passion and gift, even as a kid.  How cool is that?

Amy was a year younger than me in high school, but we were in the same math class.  I’ve never been more grateful for my lack of math skills and dependence on a calculator.  It meant I got to spend an entire school year sitting next to Amy in Mr. Perry’s class at Clear Lake High School.  She was fun, she was honest, and she was beautiful.  She explained math to me in a way I could understand.  If I was stuck, she helped me, without judgment.  She did everything without judgment. 

I never had any reason to be upset with her.  I can remember one particular day when she gave me a picture of herself.   Rather than the normal crappy school pictures this was a beautiful portrait that her parents took her to have done.  She talked about singing in church and I remember thinking “Is there anything you DON’T do?”  I may have even said that out loud.  It didn’t make me jealous, but made me admire her even more.  She had so much talent, and she inspired me. 

Last Wednesday was much like any other snowy day in Iowa.  We slacked a little on our traditional schooling and instead made tags to attach to a stack of sleds we bought to give away. 

The kids were making their Random Act of Kindness tags as I supervised, taking pictures to blog about the experience. 

 They made a list of who they wanted to give them to, prayed over the list and for the people, and then went out delivering.  Before I knew it they were having a little sledding party on the hill across the street. 

Afterwards the kids and a neighbor mom ended up here, for treats and hot chocolate.  I silently praised God for our neighborhood, and all the love and community we’ve found here. 

I was distracted doing real life, and not checking my phone.  I love those moments. 

-We were living our day like a perfect tribute to Amy, before we even knew she was gone.  Amy was a good deeds do-er.  Yes, I made that phrase up, but it really does describe her. 

 

After everyone left here I cleaned up and took a seat on the couch to “veg out” with my phone (it happens).  One of the first things I read on Facebook was this:

I yelled out a big “NO, NO, NO, NOT AMY!”

I worried that this was a mistake and felt bad about how it must have worried her family before they found out she was fine.  I sat like this for quite a while, before I realized how NOT FINE I was.  I was in absolute denial.  And I stayed that way, until this morning, when my husband and I attended Amy’s Celebration of Life.

I needed the closure, I needed the community.  I am so thankful for all the people who were there, banned together in support for Amy’s family. 

My heart ached for her fiancé, but by the end of the service, it just rejoiced.  He found Jesus through Amy.  How lucky he was to be so close to her and to spend all the days together that they did.  I think of all the experiences they had, and I just smile.  Amy was an advocate for Jesus.  Her life was lived on purpose, with purpose.  

 Her funeral was so large that, I kid you not, there were parking attendants directing traffic in the parking lot!  There was a room for overflow because the sanctuary was full, despite the staff/volunteers bringing in extra chairs, multiple times.  I mean WOW!  I can only hope to have a funeral where so many people come together to show support to my family, after I’ve passed. 

Today as I sat down to start writing this I looked back at Amy and I’s Facebook messages to each other, dating way back to 2008.  I had forgotten all we’d been through and all we had talked about.  Now that she’s gone I can clearly see why we had some of those conversations when we did, even though at the time they didn’t seem like they would be so life changing.  They were.  For her and I both.  Amy didn’t use social media as a mask, it was a tool to her.  She was just as genuine online as she was in person.  She was a one of a kind. 

I am forever grateful for getting to meet Amy Elizabeth Hild while she was on this Earth.  I’m grateful I was able to call her a friend, and I am grateful I was touched by her passionate spirit.  She taught me so much more than just some silly math facts (sorry, Mr. Perry!). 

 

Amy’s Obituary  

Amy’s Blog 

 

 

 

Why I'm Pulling Back the Shades and NOT Seeing 50 Shades of Grey

Ladies, we need to talk.  Grab a cup of coffee, this may take a while. 

I know many of you are really looking forward to seeing the 50 shades of Grey movie this weekend.  But can I just ask, WHY?  What about it is appealing to you?

Now before you envision me sitting up high on my soap box writing this to you, I want you to know that I too was tempted to see the movie, read the books, and fall victim to the ridiculous amount of advertising the brand has put out there.  I even bought all 3 books for my own mother!  Clearly I didn’t know what they were about or I wouldn’t have bought them for her.  For a friend maybe, but my mom? ewww. 

From what I know, the story line that goes along with 50 shades has left me with this feeling of being ever so thankful that my husband isn’t a dominant man who pushes me around in the bedroom, or anywhere else. 

50 shades is a fantasy that takes you on an unrealistic journey.  Or at least that’s what we would hope.  But for many couples, that’s their reality.  And it isn’t healthy.

My husband and I have had to work to overcome our intimacy and sexuality issues.  Body issues, experience and lack of experience issues, etc., etc.  

We’ve been together 11 years and are at a great place in our marriage, so I honestly believe I would be okay watching the movie.  BUT why risk all that we’ve worked for?  This stuff is bad folks, really bad. 

My real issue with this movie, and just the view that society has on sex is that it’s just that.  It’s just sex.  Worse than that is how Mr. Grey presents himself as this dominant controlling man. 

I pray to God that my daughters NEVER see this movie, or get the idea that marrying a man in this image is okay. 

I’m honestly worried for the young women watching this film and how they’re going to think this behavior is okay.  It is NOT okay.  It is NEVER okay to be taken advantage of.  I’ve read the 50 shades advocates saying “but he offers to have her sign a contract”, “she knew what was coming”.  Honestly, you think that makes it okay? 

Sex is not meant to be separate from LOVE.   I’m promoting the book called Pulling Back the Shades and doing a book study on it.  The authors do a great job of explaining it like this:

“Your sexuality was never meant to be separate from your deepest spiritual and relational longings but to be an expression of them.”

Think about what that means.  Analyze it and apply it.   

I have so much more to say on this, but I don’t want to get too graphic or too wordy.  The PBTS book does such a great job explaining and teaching about this that I’ll just refer you on to that. 

I’ll be hosting a giveaway for the book PULLING BACK THE SHADES!  Check back HERE or my FACEBOOK page for more details coming soon!

 

Ps.  As I’m editing through this I want to tell you more, give you specifics, open my heart wide and pour it all out.  Honestly I’m too scared though.  Satan has been attacking me hard through this whole Pulling Back the Shades journey.  I’ve missed countless study groups, church services, and dates to meet up with women and talk about the book.  Satan knows how powerful this book is and he will stop at nothing to keep us from sharing God’s truth on intimacy.  I have felt so defeated by this, but I have a great group of women praying for me and encouraging me to just keep pressing forward.  The harder the enemy fights us, the more we know this is exactly what God wants us to be doing. 

Embrace Your Story, and Other Sunday Morning Ramblings

 

Random thoughts that ran through my head this morning:

 

Sitting in church and my 7 year old boy leans over and snuggles up to me.  He’s tired.  I’m not sure he’s listening, but he isn’t being disruptive to anyone else (but me) so I put my arm around him and hold him.  It’s what he needed.  His father, my husband, would’ve abruptly told him to sit up and pay attention.  That wouldn’t have been wrong either. 

You could say we’re a good balance that way, or that we’re just confusing the poor boy because he doesn’t know which of us is right, or who to listen to.  Regardless, this is what happened today. 

Two pews ahead I see a mom next to her high school aged boy.  He’s sitting tall, attentively listening to the pastor.  I can tell because when the pastor moves, his head moves to follow him. 

At first I feel a touch of jealousy.  What’s she doing right, that I’m doing wrong?  Her son is surely making her proud. 

Then I realize, this is just the stage I’m in.  My 12 year old was sitting just as well as the high school boy.  Listening well, following along.  This skill will come for my 7 year old too.    

One thing I’ve been working on for some time now is just embracing my story.  It was our MOPS theme last year and I didn’t quite get a handle on it the way I should have.  I am trying to be thankful for this stage, right here and now. 

I saw a couple tired moms with babies in church, and my heart ached for them.  My heart ached for me too.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was the mom swaying side to side in the back of the church rocking my little baby, feeling like I was missing out.  Wondering why got dressed for this and longing to go home, because it was just easier there.

 Now my “baby” is two, and rarely needs rocked or shushed.  I should’ve embraced that stage, rather than crying as I rocked my baby in the church nursery rocking chair, wishing those days away.  Shame on me, it was a beautiful stage of bonding. She was learning to trust me, and I couldn’t just fully enjoy it.  Hindsight is 20/20.

So my message to you, dear momma, is EMBRACE THIS STAGE. Whatever it is you’re going through, whether this is about you, your kids, or your marriage.  Own your story.  Yes, just embrace it.  Work to improve it, because without a struggle, you won’t find your strength.  No matter how bad it is for you right now, please don’t wish these days away. 

And if your church offers it- don’t be afraid to use that nursery!  Embracing your story and enjoying this stage doesn’t mean you have to do this all alone.  Don’t be afraid to ask a neighbor to watch your littles for an hour so you can have a little break.  Life is better when we do it together, and when we do it well rested and refreshed.  ♥

Church Family: Feeling Disconnected? Be The Change You Want to See~Part 2

This is part 2 in a series on my feeling discontent and disconnected within my church family.  You can skim Part 1 Here.

 

So here I am, on my quest to be the change I wanted to see.



I thought about changing churches.  I really did.  I even had my new church all picked out, but then someone complained about their pastor being "fake".  I knew my pastors were real and I appreciated that.  Now granted, this was just an opinion, but it did shift my thinking.  

The other problem I had was my husband is active in the church and serves on a couple different boards.  You can't just up and leave when you're doing that.  Oh and he didn't want to go anywhere, that was kind of a big road block. 

I decided running away from my problems weren't going to fix them. Great thought, right?  Yeah, I know, very original.    I also decided that my thinking was so misconstrued that I didn't actually KNOW what my problem really was.

My first step was to pray that God would clearly define for me my problems and make it clear for me to find a way to fix them.

I prayed every door would slam shut and that the only open door would be the one I needed to walk through to fix this.  I prayed the light would be shining bright and I would just know it was right.

 First I had to identify my problem.  One of them was as a mom with a baby in the pew, I had NO IDEA what the sermon was about.  I’ll be honest, most weeks I couldn’t even quote one word the pastor said except maybe “welcome”, and that’s just a guess.  Even if my baby was sitting perfectly still (hey, it happened once!)  I just couldn’t center my heart to be fully there. 

I had to adjust this by putting my sweet girl in the nursery.  Now this comes natural for most people, but not for me.  It was a stretch to trust someone else to care for my child without having a clue what was going on.  My husband and I also had different opinions on this at different times, but never the same opinion at the same time.  You ladies know what I’m talking about, don’t you?  By God’s grace we settled with trying it for a few weeks and if it absolutely didn’t work out, we would just reevaluate.  

It’s been about 6 weeks now, and it’s going well.  Sometimes she goes straight to the nursery; sometimes she “earns” her ticket there by being a normal obscene toddler and too fidgety for church.

 

The other issue was I “knew” everyone, but didn’t really “know” anyone.  I desire deeper relationships.  This is new.  I’m normally just fine with being acquaintances and not knowing people too personally. 

God has changed me here.  Not everyone likes it, and I don’t always even like it, but it is just my reality right now.  I’m embracing it.  I care so deeply about people.  All people.  People I have never met, people I’ve known forever, people I swore I didn’t like, people I was paranoid that didn’t like me, really.all.people.  I love them all.    Love.them.   This comes with a cost (any Once Upon a Time fans here?  I'll tell you all about it someday when  I get it all figured out).

In an effort to get to know people better my husband and I started a “hang out” small group at our church during our kids’ Promiseland (Bible School).   This not only got us talking with the people in the group, but it’s also encouraged me to invite other people in, & to talk to more people in the hallways.  It made church feel like home.  They let us move furniture to accommodate our group.  If moving furniture was a love language, it’d be in my top 3.  ;)

 

I am working with a couple ladies in the church on a kitchen remodeling project.  Working with women who have experienced more years than I, and have been in the church longer was such a blessing.   Their wisdom as well as their frequent requested trips to the church helped me feel welcome.  I want to share more of this with you, but that will be another post. 

 

We started eating dinner at church.  Our church offers a free will offering meal each week.  It used to seem overwhelming to get all the kids there, fill their plates, set them down and hope they ate without complaining or spilling.  Or both and embarrassing me terribly. 

Now I look forward to our Wednesday evening meals.  It’s my little break from the kitchen.  Young moms NEED this, and I’m so thankful our church offers it.  It spiritually fills me to enjoy a meal prepared by others while I fellowship with my church family.  I try to worry less about the kids eating perfectly, and worry more about the person sitting across from me feeling welcome.   I try to plant a seed of familiarity in them while we eat together and later when I see them they are no longer a stranger, but friend who with time, will grow to be family.

 

These little steps have helped me feel more content within the church walls.  Sermons are hitting me hard when I'm not wrestling with a toddler.  I'm taking notes that I can reread and research throughout the week.   I'm learning things I never knew. 

These are all good things for helping me feel connected.  I have so many ideas for ways to help our church grow and I’m finally feeling confident that I am the right person to help bring these changes.  I NEVER thought I’d be saying that, but that’s just how God works.  When we let him, he moves us in great big ways.