Hold ME Jesus

I just hung up the phone with the gynecologist’s office.

It worked with their schedule to see me in two weeks.  Having to wait and work around their schedule, is a reminder to me that this world does not revolve around me.  I suppose that’s important to know, for you and me both. 

I’ve known I needed to schedule an annual exam for quite a while.  Actually for my 27^th birthday I ended up in Urgent Care with some “lady problems” as my husband calls it, and the doctor found a growth on my cervix that she said I needed to get checked out by my gynecologist.  She calmly assured me it was probably nothing too harmful, but did need to be looked at. 

I ignored it.  Well, not really.  I mean I think about it constantly.  But I didn’t get it “checked out”.

I figured I was fine because I just had a baby in 2012, and I know they were all up in my business then, so if anything was wrong, they would’ve caught it.  Right?

Well, then a few days ago I owned up to the fact that I have a lump in my breast.  It’s something I’ve sort of wondered about, but tried to just block out.  It finally became so obvious and painful that I couldn’t ignore it any more.

Except, I couldn’t do anything about it either.

I was paralyzed by the idea that this could be something serious.  If I think about it, I sob. 

At first I couldn’t even pray about it, because that was acknowledging that it was real, and that I have no control over it. 

I’m still really struggling with it- but as I keep saying with everything:

“We only know, what we know”

So at this point I don’t know if this really is something that will be life changing, or life ending.  I don’t know if it is something that later on I’ll laugh about and be embarrassed about because it was “nothing”.  I just don’t know. 

But what I DO know is this- That I need to get a professional opinion about it, which I’m doing.  And I do know that even if it is something that causes the end of my life here on earth, or a drastic change in the quality of my life, I am still a child of God. I am His. 

Okay, now that I’m to the end of typing this and ready to hit post, the nurse just called back and said she wants to see me in less than a week.  Things just got REAL.