My journey to becoming a slightly better wife.

I found my old diary today. This is a dairy from 1999, I was in middle school. My parents had separated for a year, my oldest brother joined the army, my second oldest brother was in his senior year of high school. He was in love and was getting married. He was my best friend, and he was moving on. Which left me, alone.
I was totally hormonal, boy crazy and just wanting to be loved. I wrote about several boys in my diary. It's no wonder I didn't have serious meaningful relationships with any of them. I was just too obsessed with being perfectly loved. Loved in the way that I thought love should be, which is far different than how love is in reality. I had no interest in loving someone back, only having my own needs met.

Finding this diary was kind of fun, but also opened up a lot more emotions than I wanted it to. I wrote about bulimia, anorexia, fasting, and all other ways that I tried to gain control of myself. None of which were healthy and have only caused problems, nothing good has come from them.

The feelings I had then have resurfaced over the years.

I have to admit something, If you haven't already guessed... I have issues. I think we all have issues, but I just have these major issues I can't get past. I'm not 100% happy in my marriage. Okay... That is SO embarrassing, and humiliating, and I do NOT in any way mean to degrade my husband by saying this. But, I am sometimes bored to tears. Seriously, I will just start crying thinking of how boring my life is. I want fun, I want spontaneity, I want to be head over heals in love. I want to be taken out on dates, I want to be romanced. I just want MORE! Isn't that what we all want? I just don't deserve it. I am an average wife, but I want to be a GREAT wife. Or at least a slightly better wife.

I'm ready to tackle my search for a blissful marriage. I am thankful to have a relationship with Jesus. I will lean on Jesus to fill my tank. I will find the answers to my questions in the Bible. I will be praying more than ever before and asking for His guidance, reading His word and above all, TRUSTING in Him.

Thought of the day: I know that I tell my husband I love him, but do I show him?
My goal: Show my husband I love him by having his meals hot and ready for him to enjoy. Do not expect him to help clear the table, insist that he doesn't, wash up the dishes without so much as a sigh. No matter how tired I am. Just get through it, for 1 week.

Disclaimer: The problems in my marriage are not because of my husband. My problems in my marriage are all my own. I know I'm not giving 'my all'. My husband is an amazing person.